Standing on their own feet: The Younger Adolescent
Early adolescence is a time of change, challenge and fun. Young people are rather like preschool children and want independence, but at the same time need support and firm parenting. Management of these conflicting needs is a developmental process for the young person and their parents.
Standing on Their Own Feet starts with developmental issues and describes how the young person must move forward, not only physically, but emotionally, in social skills and relationships, and also intellectually and with a moral sense. This is all looked at in some detail: in order to understand a young person, we need to be able to recognise the child within them now and their own actual early experiences. These are different because the child remembers in a way that changes their past and also because in the unconscious early experiences become changed and modified by 'unconscious phantasy'. By that I mean strong feelings such as the oedipal conflict where there are passionate feelings for mother or father or both. There are also strong negative feelings of hate and anger that change how relationships and events are recalled. It is so important to understand these processes that two sections of the book are devoted to elaborating these issues. The hope is that parents reading the book will understand their young person more easily if they can understand what is filling the mind of the young person. At this age emotions and feelings are in turmoil as young people try to work out their relationships with parents, siblings, extended family and friends. Feelings can emerge from earlier experiences, but also from these unconscious issues that confuse their 'here and now' responses
Problems that can occur are considered; there is a great deal of anxiety in society, and in parents, about coping with adolescents and hopefully this book will help to clarify when a parent should be worried, or when a situation is difficult but will settle. Psychosocial problems when the young people struggle in their environment and with relationships are common. Family breakdown at this time is difficult for the young person and they let their parents and society know it: they become angry, take to drink or abuse substances Usually these are passing phases: if they become long term patterns then help is needed. All young people need to rebel and then have time to talk. Having made parents feel useless and irrelevant it is hard, but when there are family crises this is even more important. Trauma and abuse can be more problematic if it is occurring in the family - sometimes extended family or friends may be the first to know, but we know that how a parent reacts and whether the child is believed makes a big difference to the outcome for the child, so it is really important to give time and support - even if there is pain and disbelief - whilst the situation is clarified.
And then there are mental health problems. These can be frightening for the young person and it is important to recognise 'adolescent turmoil' where the mood and state of mind is distressing but fluctuates over time and is not fixed, and more long-term difficulties, which probably need outside help. Depression in young people is recognised more now; the youngster who is being stroppy and difficult may have underlying low mood, or low self-esteem. It may be part of normal up and down mood swings, but if it persists then a talking treatment usually helps. Medication is only used in extreme cases. Ideas about wanting to be dead or not wanting to exist must be taken seriously, but these ideas generally settle if the young person is closely watched and given plenty of time to talk. Eating disorders need careful watching, girls and boys need to slim, given current obesity problems, but excessive slimming needs a close parental eye, particularly if baggy tee-shirts and loose trousers hide the body outline. The early onset of serious mental illness, bipolar disorder or schizophrenia is rare, but psychotic episodes do occur. Drug use must be considered (and now we know children as young as ten years of age are using mind altering substances), and parents need to be alert and talk to their young people about this. Some parents are reluctant to raise subjects with their children, fearing it will put ideas into their minds, but most young people know where these substances can be bought, and often the price (it is part of their general chat). Likewise cigarette and alcohol consumption can be raised. Intense friendships and early sexual contacts may be more difficult: the young person is likely to be reticent and shy, and it is important to be able to respond calmly if the subject comes up.
The importance of parents is emphasised, for parents to manage the difficulties and hostility and yet to continue to be there when the young person needs help or is in trouble. Young people tend to open up and want to talk just at times when parents are weary and ready for bed. This is acknowledged but parents are encouraged to do their best to be available. It is important to enjoy the young person - to delight in their physical development, to take pride in their intellectual growth, and to have fun finding shared interests and learning from theirs, so that one's own horizons expand alongside the young person's.
Writing this book after many years of work with families when they had broken down was an interesting and different experience. Usually one is confronted with situations at the point of breakdown when problems have already been experienced for some time. Then it is hard to find ways forward; the young person is bitter and has, for example, put all their emotional energy into a peer group, however dysfunctional it may be, and parents are exhausted and in despair. Hopefully despite the perspective being from the very troubled end, the book will provide useful thoughts about how to recognise - and when possible prevent - problems, and to alert parents to what they can manage themselves, and when other help needs to be sought.
Standing on Their Own Feet starts with developmental issues and describes how the young person must move forward, not only physically, but emotionally, in social skills and relationships, and also intellectually and with a moral sense. This is all looked at in some detail: in order to understand a young person, we need to be able to recognise the child within them now and their own actual early experiences. These are different because the child remembers in a way that changes their past and also because in the unconscious early experiences become changed and modified by 'unconscious phantasy'. By that I mean strong feelings such as the oedipal conflict where there are passionate feelings for mother or father or both. There are also strong negative feelings of hate and anger that change how relationships and events are recalled. It is so important to understand these processes that two sections of the book are devoted to elaborating these issues. The hope is that parents reading the book will understand their young person more easily if they can understand what is filling the mind of the young person. At this age emotions and feelings are in turmoil as young people try to work out their relationships with parents, siblings, extended family and friends. Feelings can emerge from earlier experiences, but also from these unconscious issues that confuse their 'here and now' responses
Problems that can occur are considered; there is a great deal of anxiety in society, and in parents, about coping with adolescents and hopefully this book will help to clarify when a parent should be worried, or when a situation is difficult but will settle. Psychosocial problems when the young people struggle in their environment and with relationships are common. Family breakdown at this time is difficult for the young person and they let their parents and society know it: they become angry, take to drink or abuse substances Usually these are passing phases: if they become long term patterns then help is needed. All young people need to rebel and then have time to talk. Having made parents feel useless and irrelevant it is hard, but when there are family crises this is even more important. Trauma and abuse can be more problematic if it is occurring in the family - sometimes extended family or friends may be the first to know, but we know that how a parent reacts and whether the child is believed makes a big difference to the outcome for the child, so it is really important to give time and support - even if there is pain and disbelief - whilst the situation is clarified.
And then there are mental health problems. These can be frightening for the young person and it is important to recognise 'adolescent turmoil' where the mood and state of mind is distressing but fluctuates over time and is not fixed, and more long-term difficulties, which probably need outside help. Depression in young people is recognised more now; the youngster who is being stroppy and difficult may have underlying low mood, or low self-esteem. It may be part of normal up and down mood swings, but if it persists then a talking treatment usually helps. Medication is only used in extreme cases. Ideas about wanting to be dead or not wanting to exist must be taken seriously, but these ideas generally settle if the young person is closely watched and given plenty of time to talk. Eating disorders need careful watching, girls and boys need to slim, given current obesity problems, but excessive slimming needs a close parental eye, particularly if baggy tee-shirts and loose trousers hide the body outline. The early onset of serious mental illness, bipolar disorder or schizophrenia is rare, but psychotic episodes do occur. Drug use must be considered (and now we know children as young as ten years of age are using mind altering substances), and parents need to be alert and talk to their young people about this. Some parents are reluctant to raise subjects with their children, fearing it will put ideas into their minds, but most young people know where these substances can be bought, and often the price (it is part of their general chat). Likewise cigarette and alcohol consumption can be raised. Intense friendships and early sexual contacts may be more difficult: the young person is likely to be reticent and shy, and it is important to be able to respond calmly if the subject comes up.
The importance of parents is emphasised, for parents to manage the difficulties and hostility and yet to continue to be there when the young person needs help or is in trouble. Young people tend to open up and want to talk just at times when parents are weary and ready for bed. This is acknowledged but parents are encouraged to do their best to be available. It is important to enjoy the young person - to delight in their physical development, to take pride in their intellectual growth, and to have fun finding shared interests and learning from theirs, so that one's own horizons expand alongside the young person's.
Writing this book after many years of work with families when they had broken down was an interesting and different experience. Usually one is confronted with situations at the point of breakdown when problems have already been experienced for some time. Then it is hard to find ways forward; the young person is bitter and has, for example, put all their emotional energy into a peer group, however dysfunctional it may be, and parents are exhausted and in despair. Hopefully despite the perspective being from the very troubled end, the book will provide useful thoughts about how to recognise - and when possible prevent - problems, and to alert parents to what they can manage themselves, and when other help needs to be sought.
